Do my students dream of electric sheep?

My finals kind of make me feel like a blade runner. The barrage of questions i offer them, and then gaguing there response and attributing a number score from 1 to 70 based on their performance.

Consider this transcript, taken live.

Student: Do you mind if i talk? I get nervous when i take tests.

Me: Just please don't move.

Student: I already had an IQ test this year, I don't know if i've taken one of these...

Me: Reaction time is a factor here, so answer as quickly as you can.

Student: Ok.

Me: What are your goals?

Student: ...I'm sorry?

Me: Your goals. What do you want out of life?

Student: I want to be a teacher. An English teacher, because of my major.

Me: And why's that?

Student: There's a long vacation, and the children are lovely, and they will keep you young.

Me: Okay, but why will you make a good teacher?

Student: ...pardon?

Me: You. Why will you be a better teacher than other people?

Student: I will go back to my home town to teach English, since there are no English teachers.

Me: mmm-hmm.

(silence)

Me: Where is your home town?

Student: Shaanxi Province.

Me: If you could live anywhere you like, where would you live?

Student: My hometown, with my parents.

Me: Let me give you a hypothetical situation. You're walking in the desert when all of the sudden you look down-

Student: What one?

Me: It doesn't matter. It's a completely hypothetical situation.

Student: Well, how come i'd be there?

Me: I don't know. Maybe you're fed up? Maybe you want to be alone. You look down and you see a tortoise. It's crawling toward you-

Student: Tortoise? What's that?

Me: Know what a turtle is? Same thing.

Student: I've never seen a turtle. [pause] But I understand what you mean.

Me: You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back Leon.

Student: Do you make up these questions, Mr. Phipps, or do they write them down for you?

Me: The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun beating its legs trying to turn itself over but it can't, not without your help, but you're not helping.

Student: What do you mean I'm not helping?

Me: I mean, you're not helping. Why is that Leon? [pause] They're just questions, Leon. In answer to your query, they're written down for me. It's a test, designed to provoke an emotional response. [pause] Shall we continue? Describe in single words, only the good things that come in to your mind about: your mother.

Leon: My mother?

Holden: Yeah.

Leon: Let me tell you about my mother. [shot fired]

--end transmission--

Post Script: seriously. i have to dodge like 10 bullets each class these days.